This article provides corrections to conventional astrology to account for dark matter and dark energy.

For the first time ever, traces of a WIMP have been recorded, finally resolving the disputed existence of Dark Matter, and demonstrating that SHADY is the most amazing collaboration on the face of this planet. 

The Truth They Don’t Want You to Know: Vaccines and Autism—A Totally Tremendous Investigation

The periodic table has probably been the worst table in the history of tables! I’ve heard a lot of people say this. In this paper I will sign into an executive order a new Patriotic Table of Elements with American pride and splendor.

This paper investigates a physically unverified yet socially undeniable phenomenon: that talkative people tend to make rooms warmer and introverts emit a detectable “cold aura.”

We applied the principals of green chemistry and OH&S to light artillery, and herein we report our findings.

This article documents the coping mechanisms students can use to psychologically repair themselves after becoming victims of PI divorce.

Crystallisation, traditionally held to be governed by thermodynamic and kinetic principles, is in fact an inherently social process, dictated by group dynamics, observational bias, and the looming presence of authority figures.

We report the total synthesis of the supernatural product mobiustrine A, starting from isoheptane. The key steps in our synthesis were a [2+2]+[2+2] cycloaddition, a Bonnie-Clyde cross-conjugal visitation, an enzymatic epoxide unzipping, and a Morbin rearrangement.

Recent flatological advances have uncovered a new variable in the social acceptance of flatulence. This study demonstrates that the tone of flatulence has a strong influence on its social impact: the human ear prefers clear tones to sharps and flats.

Now the whole family can enjoy the crushing defeat of having their drug fail phase III clinical trials!

This paper examines the often-overlooked geological structure of leftover food and drink found in laboratory refrigerators, brimming with insight into the habits, procrastination, and neglectful nature of its inhabitants.

 In this paper, we disclose a method to convert a 1989 Toyota Corolla into an infinite matter generator, and propose an identity for dark matter particles. Our findings have dramatic implications for the field of quantum physics, and may lead to the reshaping of the standard model.

When one really hates one’s day job, and the hours pass like turtle turds floating on a turgid stream, the mind can go to strange places. In extreme cases, one might even spend hours ruminating on the names of sea creatures…

In a landmark incomprehensive study, we have reviewed the suitability of various materials as eating surfaces. A wide array of materials were examined, from wood to people, under a variety of conditions (wet, dry, dirty and clean). Figs were employed as a standard foodstuff in a series of double-blind, and partially deaf experiments, which uncovered that fire is a challenging surface to eat off, and that people make ethically questionable tables. Wood reigns supreme, glass glares, and dirt disappoints. The authors call for more funding, more figs, and fewer reflective dinner parties. Revolutionary. Possibly edible.

 In this work, we present Natural Stupidity (NS) as a pioneering anti-optimization framework for Density Functional Theory (DFT) calculations. While recent trends have seen Artificial Intelligence (AI) enhance DFT accuracy and efficiency, we argue that such progress has come at the expense of interpretability, frustration, and the cherished academic tradition of unnecessary suffering.

We report syntheses of hopamine and copamine, two recently discovered neurotransmitters of the phenethylamoan class.

Potential explanations for a two-tailed cat are examined.

Inspired by the emerging field of echocatalysis and an abiding respect for Dungeons & Dragons lore, we investigated the potential for "Bardic Inspiration" to influence chemical reactivity in coupling reactions.

We, the chemists of Twitter, here set forth our syntheses, that time may not decompose what our hands have brought into being. We report great and wonderful deeds, manifested by both theoretical and experimental chemists, and together with all this, we discuss the reasons why we sought to make labyrinthamine.