It turns out that electrons are a bit like property: their value is tied to their location. A modest three-bedroom house in Manhattan could be valued at over $4.5 million, while an identical house in Frogballs Arkansas costs $8.50, asbestos included. This paper is a quest to find the world’s most valuable electrons. We began with intentions of making snide remarks about blueberries, but when we crunched the numbers, they told us a completely different story. Herein, we discuss our findings and present a grand unified electron pricing structure.

Metal catalysts are in everything: cars, factories, and even my wife. However, heavy metal catalysts are not good for the environment. In this paper, we report a novel catalytic approach to a more environmentally-friendly synthesis of gopnikadine. This was accomplished via Adilettes-assisted squatting (which decreased the activation energy of a crucial step by 193.7 kJ/mol) and optimised sunflower seed consumption.

Multi-colour 3D printers routinely excrete small, warm blobs of purged plastic known as “poop”. We propose the Bristol Poop Scale, warn readers that today’s poop is tomorrow’s microplastic, and derive the Law of Conservation of Poop, which proves that manufacturers can make printers constipated but never poop-free.