International experts™ have officially revoked the 8.5 W/m² future climate scenario. While this highlights the volatility of norms and standards in the climate debate, here we recall that one sacred thing must remain untouchable: the 1850 baseline. By means of a well-timed time-machine grant and generous support from government-funded modelling agencies, we demonstrate that returning global average temperatures to the precise meteorological conditions of 1850 is not merely desirable, it is fiscally imperative.

The mental health crisis has crippled the technology industry, and it is well established that growing misuse of chatbots will cause billions of dollars in losses to the stakeholders. Anecdotal evidence of Generalized Anxiety Disorders (GAD) in chatbots has been previously reported. Here, we formalize those findings with a detailed analysis of GAD in chatbots, and conclude that the root of the problem is lonely people online.

We present a formal quantification of the “Bibliographic Event Horizon,” a phenomenon by which the first reference in any academic paper, [1], functions as a gravitational singularity. Following the seminal work of Specter [2, 3, 5, 8, 9, 12, 17], we establish that as the reference count (n) increases, the probability of the author having actually opened the source material of the references approaches the Planck length.