Günther Schlonk 14/11/26 Günther Schlonk 14/11/26

The Dean-Shark Apparatus: A Modern Approach to Azeotropic Distillation Tribulations

The conventional Dean-Stark apparatus wasn’t good enough at removing water from reaction mixtures, so we improved it by adding a shark, which is good at rapidly consuming lots of water. Now, water-free chemistry is more rigorous than ever before.

Günther Schlonk 24/10/26 Günther Schlonk 24/10/26

Spun-Polaroid DFT Study of a Tungsten-Osmium Nanorod Exhibiting Exceptional Rigidity

We report a first-principles investigation of a novel W₄Os₂ cluster in which a tungsten shaft, selected for its record holding melting point (3422 °C) and general firmness, is counterweighted by a pair of dense osmium nodes. Calculations at the PBE/def2-SVP level predict a large aspect ratio, and a great personality.

Günther Schlonk 17/10/26 Günther Schlonk 17/10/26

How Much Does An Electron Cost?

It turns out that electrons are a bit like property: their value is tied to their location. A modest three-bedroom house in Manhattan could be valued at over $4.5 million, while an identical house in Frogballs Arkansas costs $8.50, asbestos included. This paper is a quest to find the world’s most valuable electrons. We began with intentions of making snide remarks about blueberries, but when we crunched the numbers, they told us a completely different story. Herein, we discuss our findings and present a grand unified electron pricing structure.

Günther Schlonk 10/10/26 Günther Schlonk 10/10/26

Adilettes-Assisted Catalysis: Investigating Gopnik Squatting and Sunflower Seed-Induced Reactivity

Metal catalysts are in everything: cars, factories, and even my wife. However, heavy metal catalysts are not good for the environment. In this paper, we report a novel catalytic approach to a more environmentally-friendly synthesis of gopnikadine. This was accomplished via Adilettes-assisted squatting (which decreased the activation energy of a crucial step by 193.7 kJ/mol) and optimised sunflower seed consumption.

Günther Schlonk 18/9/26 Günther Schlonk 18/9/26

Fitting A Person Into An NMR Spectrometer

This article examines the circumstances under which a human could fit inside an NMR spectrometer.

Günther Schlonk 4/9/26 Günther Schlonk 4/9/26

Revolutionary Old Technology Allows Laymen to Probe Molecular Structure

Untucked homies are the main reason AI slop has besplattered our feeds in recent years, as sleep deprivation degrades one’s capacity to think creatively. This is troubling in and of itself, but an even more distressing issue is the sight of one’s homie’s cold feet sticking out under the duvet, unloved and uncuddled. Recent studies have discussed this issue without providing concrete solutions. Herein, we report a novel way to tuck in your homies.

Günther Schlonk 28/8/26 Günther Schlonk 28/8/26

Isocyclotoe-Brosylate: A Chemical Reason to Kiss Your Homies Goodnight

Untucked homies are the main reason AI slop has besplattered our feeds in recent years, as sleep deprivation degrades one’s capacity to think creatively. This is troubling in and of itself, but an even more distressing issue is the sight of one’s homie’s cold feet sticking out under the duvet, unloved and uncuddled. Recent studies have discussed this issue without providing concrete solutions. Herein, we report a novel way to tuck in your homies.

Günther Schlonk 22/8/26 Günther Schlonk 22/8/26

The Impact of Psychotherapy on the Stability of Perovskite Solar Cells

This paper examines psychotherapy or “talk therapy” as a method to stabilise tin(II) in the crystal lattice of lead-tin perovskites, a piezoelectric material used in some solar panels.

Günther Schlonk 16/8/26 Günther Schlonk 16/8/26

A Revolution in Benchtop NMR: The 1 MHz Spectrometer

This article details a breakthrough in upper-middle-field nuclear magnetic resonance (NMR) spectroscopy: the development of a 1 MHz spectrometer.

Günther Schlonk 31/7/26 Günther Schlonk 31/7/26

A Critical Update to Laboratory Hazard Signage

Following a serious laboratory accident, all Australian university facilities must now display new warning signage.

Günther Schlonk 24/7/26 Günther Schlonk 24/7/26

The Nose Schlenk

For those of you who miss pipetting by mouth, we offer you the opportunity to Schlenk by nose.

Günther Schlonk 19/7/26 Günther Schlonk 19/7/26

Five Years of Progress in the Chemistry of the Futyl Group

This comprehensive review summarises all the advances in futyl chemistry since 2021. Nobody has made any advances in the chemistry of the futyl group since 2021. In order to justify the existence of this paper, we have used computational chemistry to analyse the energies of all the reactions in the last review