It turns out that electrons are a bit like property: their value is tied to their location. A modest three-bedroom house in Manhattan could be valued at over $4.5 million, while an identical house in Frogballs Arkansas costs $8.50, asbestos included. This paper is a quest to find the world’s most valuable electrons. We began with intentions of making snide remarks about blueberries, but when we crunched the numbers, they told us a completely different story. Herein, we discuss our findings and present a grand unified electron pricing structure.

The stochastic feasibility of human (Homo sapiens) aviation is investigated using two competing theories: density compression of human matter to less than 1.225 kg/m³, and localized atmospheric (Poisson) compression by a factor of 872. Mathematical models demonstrate that human density reductions (P = 1.36 × 10^-1263) are slightly more feasible than atmospheric compressions (P = 10^{-10^-28}), with both techniques pending further empirical validation.

Throwing out the usual subjective behavioural models, we establish that blame is the most abundant resource in the universe. It is neither created nor destroyed. Instead, it gets passed around through rotational displacement.

We propose a quantized theory of the “fuck around–find out (FAFO)” principle. While classical FAFO theory is usually good for everyday life, it does not sufficiently explain more sophisticated fuckery on closer examination. This is a purely theoretical work. As such, more fucking around is needed to support our conclusions.