The winners of the 2025 Noble Prizes are presented and discussed. Let’s all hope that 2026 is a better year.

The language that scientific papers are written in is a needlessly complicated form of English called lingua wanka, which is dripping with corporate-style jargon and pompous bollocks. Herein, I talk about why that’s a bad thing.

The principles of chemical kinetics are harnessed to explain why theoretical researchers have a hard time losing weight. 

Necessity is the mother of invention. According to our mate Terrence from the local hospital, if he has to get the endoscope out one more time on behalf of someone who “fell backwards onto their shopping bags”, he’s going to spifflicate them. We feel that this constitutes a necessity, and this paper contains the details of our associated invention.

This article appraises the four best ways to convert base metals into gold. 

We recorded a cover of Ed Sheeran's "The A Team". We rewrote this melancholy ballad, originally about homelessness and substance abuse, to reflect the experience of doing a PhD, and somehow made it even more depressing.

The authors of this paper went above and beyond, and physically went to a mall to survey the public. Their question: do you like twizzlers?

This article provides corrections to conventional astrology to account for dark matter and dark energy.

For the first time ever, traces of a WIMP have been recorded, finally resolving the disputed existence of Dark Matter, and demonstrating that SHADY is the most amazing collaboration on the face of this planet. 

The Truth They Don’t Want You to Know: Vaccines and Autism—A Totally Tremendous Investigation

The periodic table has probably been the worst table in the history of tables! I’ve heard a lot of people say this. In this paper I will sign into an executive order a new Patriotic Table of Elements with American pride and splendor.

This paper investigates a physically unverified yet socially undeniable phenomenon: that talkative people tend to make rooms warmer and introverts emit a detectable “cold aura.”

We applied the principals of green chemistry and OH&S to light artillery, and herein we report our findings.

This article documents the coping mechanisms students can use to psychologically repair themselves after becoming victims of PI divorce.

Crystallisation, traditionally held to be governed by thermodynamic and kinetic principles, is in fact an inherently social process, dictated by group dynamics, observational bias, and the looming presence of authority figures.

We report the total synthesis of the supernatural product mobiustrine A, starting from isoheptane. The key steps in our synthesis were a [2+2]+[2+2] cycloaddition, a Bonnie-Clyde cross-conjugal visitation, an enzymatic epoxide unzipping, and a Morbin rearrangement.

Recent flatological advances have uncovered a new variable in the social acceptance of flatulence. This study demonstrates that the tone of flatulence has a strong influence on its social impact: the human ear prefers clear tones to sharps and flats.

Now the whole family can enjoy the crushing defeat of having their drug fail phase III clinical trials!

This paper examines the often-overlooked geological structure of leftover food and drink found in laboratory refrigerators, brimming with insight into the habits, procrastination, and neglectful nature of its inhabitants.

 In this paper, we disclose a method to convert a 1989 Toyota Corolla into an infinite matter generator, and propose an identity for dark matter particles. Our findings have dramatic implications for the field of quantum physics, and may lead to the reshaping of the standard model.