The 1850 Baseline is Scientifically Settled Forever: Deficit Spending is the Only Force Capable of Cooling the Planet

Abstract: International experts™ have officially revoked the 8.5 W/m² future climate scenario. While this highlights the volatility of norms and standards in the climate debate, here we recall that one sacred thing must remain untouchable: the 1850 baseline. By means of a well-timed time-machine grant and generous support from government-funded modelling agencies, we demonstrate that returning global average temperatures to the precise meteorological conditions of 1850 is not merely desirable, it is fiscally imperative. A modest global levy of 473 monetary units per tonne CO₂ per month (adjusted for inflation and the price of Victorian top hats) will achieve this noble restoration within five years (with no warranties). Regrettably, the same experiment also revealed that 1850 consisted mostly of relentless drizzle punctuated by the occasional potato famines. Nevertheless, failure to return to this optimal climate state of 1850 carries an urgent existential risk: by 2050 potatoes will be coming out of the ground pre-boiled. We warn that such unchecked global boiling would cruelly discriminate against good citizens who prefer their potatoes fried, highlighting the urgent need to begin irrigating the fields with canola oil. This article is dedicated to Napoleon III, under whose brief republic France enjoyed the same weather we now desperately need to save French fries.