Throwing out the usual subjective behavioural models, we establish that blame is the most abundant resource in the universe. It is neither created nor destroyed. Instead, it gets passed around through rotational displacement.

International experts™ have officially revoked the 8.5 W/m² future climate scenario. While this highlights the volatility of norms and standards in the climate debate, here we recall that one sacred thing must remain untouchable: the 1850 baseline. By means of a well-timed time-machine grant and generous support from government-funded modelling agencies, we demonstrate that returning global average temperatures to the precise meteorological conditions of 1850 is not merely desirable, it is fiscally imperative.

We propose a quantized theory of the “fuck around–find out (FAFO)” principle. While classical FAFO theory is usually good for everyday life, it does not sufficiently explain more sophisticated fuckery on closer examination. This is a purely theoretical work. As such, more fucking around is needed to support our conclusions.

The mental health crisis has crippled the technology industry, and it is well established that growing misuse of chatbots will cause billions of dollars in losses to the stakeholders. Anecdotal evidence of Generalized Anxiety Disorders (GAD) in chatbots has been previously reported. Here, we formalize those findings with a detailed analysis of GAD in chatbots, and conclude that the root of the problem is lonely people online.

We present a formal quantification of the “Bibliographic Event Horizon,” a phenomenon by which the first reference in any academic paper, [1], functions as a gravitational singularity. Following the seminal work of Specter [2, 3, 5, 8, 9, 12, 17], we establish that as the reference count (n) increases, the probability of the author having actually opened the source material of the references approaches the Planck length.

According to our theory, undercaffeinated employees become more fragile and required more sleep to continue functioning, making them less effective and harder to be around. In an attempt to prevent our researchers from using inefficient mechanisms such as sleep to ensure wakefulness, we have developed a novel beverage entitled “Stayawake Juice”.

When your dice start rolling poorly, punishments should be meted out until performance improves.

Asking subject organisms in biological studies if they consent to take part in experiments can reduce selection bias.

We present the first formal clinical diagnosis of Peyronie’s disease (PD) in a non-human, non-penile organism: the common banana (Musa acuminata, Cavendish variety).

The axiom “shit in, shit out” (SISO) has governed system design for decades. We introduce a structured evaluation framework for Large Language Models (LLMs) composed of two diagnostic instruments: F.A.R.T. (Factual Ambiguity & Relevance Test) and T.U.R.D. (Token Utility Response Dependability).

Understanding the molecular basis for stupidity. 

Under the right circumstances, the 5G network can give plants wood.