The periodic table has probably been the worst table in the history of tables! I’ve heard a lot of people say this. In this paper I will sign into an executive order a new Patriotic Table of Elements with American pride and splendor.

We applied the principals of green chemistry and OH&S to light artillery, and herein we report our findings.

We report the total synthesis of the supernatural product mobiustrine A, starting from isoheptane. The key steps in our synthesis were a [2+2]+[2+2] cycloaddition, a Bonnie-Clyde cross-conjugal visitation, an enzymatic epoxide unzipping, and a Morbin rearrangement.

Now the whole family can enjoy the crushing defeat of having their drug fail phase III clinical trials!

 In this paper, we disclose a method to convert a 1989 Toyota Corolla into an infinite matter generator, and propose an identity for dark matter particles. Our findings have dramatic implications for the field of quantum physics, and may lead to the reshaping of the standard model.

When one really hates one’s day job, and the hours pass like turtle turds floating on a turgid stream, the mind can go to strange places. In extreme cases, one might even spend hours ruminating on the names of sea creatures…

We, the chemists of Twitter, here set forth our syntheses, that time may not decompose what our hands have brought into being. We report great and wonderful deeds, manifested by both theoretical and experimental chemists, and together with all this, we discuss the reasons why we sought to make labyrinthamine.