Investigation of Eating Surfaces for Food Items: an Incomprehensive Study

Abstract: In a landmark incomprehensive study, we have reviewed the suitability of various materials as eating surfaces. A wide array of materials were examined, from wood to people, under a variety of conditions (wet, dry, dirty and clean). Figs were employed as a standard foodstuff in a series of double-blind, and partially deaf experiments, which uncovered that fire is a challenging surface to eat off, and that people make ethically questionable tables. Wood reigns supreme, glass glares, and dirt disappoints. The authors call for more funding, more figs, and fewer reflective dinner parties. Revolutionary. Possibly edible.